


Not Sam's Problem

by OneOddKitteh



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Episode: s06e10 Caged Heat, Implied Castiel/Dean Winchester, Soulless Sam Winchester, The Pizza Man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-24
Updated: 2014-07-24
Packaged: 2018-02-10 02:50:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2008182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OneOddKitteh/pseuds/OneOddKitteh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam's reaction to Cas' first porno.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Sam's Problem

**Author's Note:**

> I saw the gif of the scene, spent ten minutes laughing, and then started writing. I don't even know where it went, but have some of Sam's point of view of Cas' experience with the pizza-man and the babysitter.

“It’s very complex,” Cas said.

Dean made a vague sound of agreement. Like a married couple, Sam thought to himself. The words were blurring in front of him. Even his concentration had limits. He needed a break.  A drink, too; perhaps one of those sickly sweet cups of shit from Starbucks. Yeah, that was exactly what he felt like.

“If the pizzaman truly loves the babysitter,” Cas began.

Oh god. Jesus. Oh hell no. This wasn’t a moment Sam wanted to be around for. He wanted coffee. He turned to Dean. _He_ had to fix it. It was _his_ boyfriend. Dean wasn’t much better off. He looked like all he wanted was some plausible deniability, so he could shove his head back into the paper he’d been staring at.

“Then why does he keep slapping her rear?”

Jesus _fuck_. Not Sam’s problem. So not his problem. Dean was the one who shared the “profound bond,” he could deal with this bullshit. Dean turned his stare to Castiel. That face was the poster-child of the phrase ‘What the fuck?” Seriously, if he took a picture of Dean, it’d make the perfect caption. That was when Sam stopped feeling grossed out and started trying not to laugh.

“Perhaps she’s done something wrong,” Cas continued.

Oh God. Sam couldn’t keep his eyes on Castiel. It was too much. The quizzical look on his face, the sounds of slapping and porn moans in the background, it was too much. Sam took even breaths through his nose. If only he had a camera, he could make a fortune with a video of this moment.

“You’re watching porn?”

Sam’s chest constricted with his suppressed laugh. He tried to stare at the paper again. Oh Holy God in Heaven and all the angels that hated his soul (and Sam too), this was priceless. This was a precious moment in history. All the sexual tension between his brother and Castiel, and now _Cas was watching porn._

“Why?” Dean asked when Cas didn’t answer.

There was a little frustration joining the disbelief in his tone. Sam had to look at Cas. The suspense was killing him. Staring at the TV with narrowed eyes, Castiel was the picture of befuddled innocence.

“It was there,” he said, as if it answered everything.

He probably thought it did. _Fuck_. Did he realise what he was doing? Did angels watch porn? Gabriel, he’d left them a porno, so that answered for him. But he was hardly the picture of a model angel. He was like the angel’s fun uncle. Also a dick, but more fun than his siblings. Kind of like Sam.

Zachariah had seemed more like the cookie-cutter angel. Surely he wouldn’t watch porn. He was more a snuff film kind of guy. If Sam went so far as to try to picture him watching porn he’d have to roofie himself. He didn’t have to have a soul to find that dick repulsive. So no. Angels didn’t, as a rule, watch porn. Then this was Cas’ first… Oh holy _fuck_ almighty. Sam looked back down, and tightened his lips. If he laughed, no one would ever find his body. Dean would make sure of it. Speaking of the devil, Dean took a deep breath beside him.

“You don’t watch porn in a room full of dudes, and you don’t _talk_ about it,” Dean said between gritted teeth.

Sam watched his gesturing hand as he spoke. Dean looked like he’d rather be anywhere other than where he was. Motherfuck. This was hysterical but none of it was in Sam’s job description. He could just sit back and laugh. Sam kept his eyes down. Jesus Christ, Cas was watching porn. Dean was watching Cas watch porn. Sam was in the room while Dean watched Cas watch porn. This was fucking _hilarious._

“Just turn it off!” Dean said.

Sam thought he’d be bored of the situation already, but Dean’s sheer uncomfortableness was doing wonders for Sam’s mood. He glanced away; then he fixed his eyes on the paper. Pretend to read. He could do that. Words. Word, another word, and a collection of letters formed another boring word. This was really messing with his concentration. He didn’t want to read while Dean and Cas were putting on a show. All they needed was a musical number and the whole scene could go in a Broadway musical. Perhaps it’d be called ‘Profound Bond,’ and all the posters would have Dean and Cas staring at each other, faces two inches apart.

“Well now he’s got a boner,” Dean said, and he sounded defeated and sad.

Sam’s head jerked up. Boner. Cas. No. Nope. That was too far. No boner on Cas. No angel boners in the room. No first boners while watching bad porn in a room with Dean and Sam. None. And if they were they were his brothers problem. This was not Sam’s deal. Sam dealt with fun things. Interesting things. Not Castiel boners. That wasn’t interesting or fun. That meant that Dean’s boner wasn’t far away, and Sam didn’t stay in the room with a Dean boner.

There was knock at the door. Sam reached for his gun. _Thank god._ If he didn’t have to kill whoever it was, he’d _kiss them_. All the lovesick, embarrassed tension in the room was disgusting.

When Sam realised who it was, he re-thought the kissing thing. Gross. 


End file.
